


Breathe

by Calyah



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-08
Updated: 2016-01-08
Packaged: 2018-05-12 14:35:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5669530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Calyah/pseuds/Calyah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The task of killing dragons weighs heavily on Evelyn Trevelyan’s heart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Breathe

**Author's Note:**

> This was my part of the daficswap event. For elyhumanoid. Evelyn Trevelyan belongs to her.

In one breath, Evelyn knew it was over. The dragon’s ribs expanded and a screeching wail echoed across the valley. Snow and rock flew into the air as its body fell, cut down at last by their attack. Evelyn felt her magic sputter as she watched the dragon struggle and the adrenaline of battle ceased. She took a step forward, an attempt to reach out towards the creature from her flanking position, but the dragon keened and flailed, its powerful legs churning weakly against the ice and mud. Cassandra struck her blade swiftly through the dragon’s throat in a final blow, and Evelyn jerked at the sight, her hand twitching involuntarily towards her own neck. She stepped forward again but stopped as the dragon spasmed and rolled its spiked head towards her, the luminescent blues of its skin catching in the waning daylight. 

So much beauty, so much magnificence and perfection of nature, and they had killed it. She had killed it. Another dragon dead at her hands. 

“Now, that was a good fight!” Bull’s triumphant cheers felt far away in her ears, as Evelyn watched the life and light leave the dragon’s eyes. 

A numbness crawled into her legs, and Evelyn knew it had nothing to do with the chill of the air. Her heart thudded dully in her chest and constricted tighter with each beat. Swallowing, she tried to turn her face away. 

Her movements were stiff as she made her way across the snow of the Emprise du Lion and swiveled her gaze to her friends, looking for injuries. Solas and Iron Bull were roughened a bit, but otherwise looked fine. Cassandra, however, was covered in blood, hers and the dragon’s, and Evelyn felt her stomach heave at the sight. 

Breathe.

She steadied her hands and reached out towards Cassandra. “Your arm is bleeding pretty bad. Let me have a look at it.” Her voice felt thick, but she concentrated on the work. She pushed her feelings down. They could come later, when she was alone. She needed to tend to the others first.

“Yes, her tooth pierced my armor,” Cassandra replied and rolled her shoulder with a grimace. “Thank the Maker for you and Solas. Without your barriers, I fear it would have been worse.”

Evelyn nodded and fished a poultice out of her pack. Her hands were methodical and quick, as she tended to the wound. The dragon’s body loomed in the peripheral of her vision, but she tried to ignore it. Bull was already picking through the dragon’s hoard and inspecting the corpse for how best to dismantle it for use. 

“That should do for now,” Evelyn murmured and tied the ends of the wrap. “They’ll have to inspect it more thoroughly back at camp.”

A loud whack cut through the air, and Evelyn flinched as she watched Bull begin to hack at the dragon’s shimmering blue scales. 

Tears pricked at her eyes and her hands clenched. Such a waste. 

Ducking swiftly, Evelyn gathered her pack and wiped her hands in the snow. The white turned muddy and red but the stains across Evelyn’s palms remained. 

Breathe.

“Perhaps Solas and Iron Bull should remain here.” Cassandra looked at her and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. “We could send soldiers.”

“Yes.” Evelyn’s voice was clipped, and she turned sharply away without another glance. 

The distance to camp wasn't long, but the journey seemed endless. Each step felt like a fight. Every fiber of her being was focused on remaining strong and keeping herself together. Her muscles were taut and her eyes barely blinked. She knew if she closed them she would only see blood and guilt. How many was it now? Seven? Eight dragons? Each one had been fearsome and beautiful. Each one had been striking to behold. In her mind, none had deserved to die.

Breathe.

Evelyn did her best to remain neutral and keep her expression bland. The soldiers greeted her with respect, as she and Cassandra entered through the makeshift gate, and she dutifully acknowledged them, even if her limbs felt awkward and stiff. There were more soldiers than usual milling about. A whole regiment must have traveled with Cullen to oversee the cleanup of Sahrnia Quarry, and it seemed they had finally arrived. 

Evelyn approached one of the camp’s officers and mustered as much authority as she could, pushing the sadness and stress from her voice. “Hivernal has been taken care of. The path will be clear from now on,” she heard herself say, insisting on using the dragon’s name despite the jolt of pain in caused in her heart. “The Iron Bull and Solas are securing the remains, but I’d like you to dispatch two dozen men and women to help them in their task.”

The soldier saluted and she turned away, effectively dismissing him, but not the dragon from her thoughts.

Breathe.

Her steps were uneven, but Evelyn walked as naturally as she could towards her tent. Just a few more paces and she would be around the bend and finally have the solitude she craved.

Night was beginning to fall and the frozen wind of the Emprise du Lion howled through the camp, but Evelyn barely felt it. Finally reaching her tent, she pulled back the flap and shuffled into the darkness. Evelyn shucked off her pack and threw it across the small space. Now alone, she felt her lips begin to tremble and the composure she had tried so hard to maintain begin to crack. Sinking to her knees, she wrapped her arms around her waist and closed her eyes against the pain.

Breathe.

A small sob escaped her throat, as the image of the dragon’s lifeless eyes flashed across her thoughts. It wasn’t fair. How many times would she be asked to do something she hated? How many times would she be called upon to kill that which she loved? She had studied and loved dragons since she was a small child. All the stories she had been told by her parents, all the research she had poured over in the circle’s library, all of it pierced her heart as they stood against the memories of her own magic tearing holes in beautifully scaled skin, of blades piercing giant hearts, of death throes so great they shook the earth beneath her feet.

Evelyn sobbed again. Her hands flew to her mouth to muffle the sounds, her fingers digging into her cheeks as her body trembled. She bent forward and pressed her forehead against the cold ground, anything to numb the pain and swallow the tears.

Breathe.

A rustle of fabric, and Evelyn knew she suddenly wasn’t alone. She jerked upright and tried to wipe her cheeks as quickly as possible, hoping her face didn’t betray just how miserable she felt.

Before she could turn, though, a strong arm wrapped around her shoulders and Cullen’s solid form knelt by her side.

“Evelyn, are you all right?” he whispered.

Evelyn shrugged and avoided his gaze, trying to reconstruct her strength and feign a nonchalance she hadn’t felt in a long time. “Some bumps and bruises, but I’ll be fine.”

Cullen sighed and pushed a few strands of her hair away from her face. “My love, we both know that’s not what I’m asking.”

Evelyn met his eyes and felt her heart stutter. Cullen’s face was so honest, his curly hair disheveled by the wind and his brows furrowed in concern. He looked at her and saw through the facade she had tried to produce. He looked at her and saw the pain she tried to push away. He looked at her and he truly cared.

Her breath hitched and she felt her lips tremble again. Leaning against his chest, she tucked her head beneath his chin to hide her face. Without hesitation, Cullen wrapped his other arm around her and pulled her close.

“I don’t want to do it anymore,” she whispered and her voice cracked. “I can’t keep killing them.”

Her heart raced painfully and the panic began to set in. There were more dragons. There were always more dragons, and she would be asked to kill them too. All for more people to protect and more creatures to slaughter. Suddenly, her lungs couldn’t get enough air. Her limbs wouldn’t move. Her skin became slick with sweat. How many more would there be? How many?

Breathe.

“Shh, I’m here,” Cullen whispered and stroked her hair. “It’ll be all right.”

At his words, Evelyn broke. It wasn’t all right. All the stress from battle, all the pain she’d been trying to hide, and all the guilt came pouring forth. She collapsed into him and sobbed. Fat tears wet his cloak and crystallized in the frozen air. Her breath came out in ragged puffs and she could do nothing but cling to him, the only person she could let see just how much it hurt.

Breathe.

Her cries came in quick succession, her muscles no longer taut but limp. Her eyes squeezed shut and her mind allowed the full weight of her sadness to hit. 

A small murmur of a prayer reached her ears. Cullen whispered the Canticle of Trials against her hair and beseeched Andraste’s blessing to guide them through the dark and into the Maker’s Light. Evelyn gasped for air. Cullen’s warm breath and the soft vibrations of his chest grounded her. She cried and let her fingers dig into the fur of his mantle, as she pressed her face harder against the cool steel across his chest. She gasped again and inhaled Cullen’s scent, something to cut through the despair. The oakmoss and elderberry filled her lungs and his comforting words filled her ears. 

Breathe.

Slowly, as she listened to his soothing voice, Evelyn’s sobs began to quiet. The memories started to fade and her heart started to calm. 

“I’m sorry,” she croaked. Her face felt puffy and wet, and her eyes still stung against the tears. “I know I need to be strong for them. That I need to do my duty,” she began, but Cullen shook his head and cupped her cheek, pulling back to look at her.

“No, the world asks too much of you.” He paused and swallowed. “I ask too much of you. Don’t apologize.” His face broke slightly, and he smoothed his hands down her arms. “Never apologize for being Evelyn. She’s more important than the Herald. At least to me.”

Evelyn took in a shuddering breath and tried to smile. It was freeing that with Cullen she didn’t have to pretend.

“They just don’t deserve to die,” she started softly and picked at the loose rug fibers beneath her legs. “The dragons. I know they’re a danger, but that’s just their nature, same as any hunter.” She swallowed against the lump in her throat and glanced briefly at Cullen. He was watching her kindly, listening with a quiet tenderness that allowed some joy to refill her heart. “I dreamed all my life of seeing them up close, you know. I wanted to study their colors, watch how they move, see what element they breathe.” With a sigh, she plucked another thread. “And instead I’m killing them, one after another. And for what? Their loot? Better access to the surrounding lands? Fame?” She slapped her palm against the ground but her shoulders sagged. Evelyn looked at Cullen again and a watery smile crossed her lips. “I thought it might get easier,” she admitted in a strained whisper, sniffing back the remainder of her tears. “But it’s just getting harder.”

Cullen cupped her face again and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “You told me once that not everything needs to be about the Inquisition. If this isn’t what you want, then let the others have it. You don’t need to shoulder so much.” He leaned forward and kissed her just above her brow. “Not alone.”

Evelyn sniffed again and nodded. She didn’t trust her voice to speak anymore or to make any decision; so, she curled further into his embrace and simply enjoyed the comfortable quiet that existed for her in his arms.

They sat like that for a long while. The night fully descended as they held each other in the quiet of the tent. The wind howled and the sounds of the camp continued on around them, but they remained still.

Eventually, Cullen pulled back and glanced around the tent, eyeing the cold braziers. Placing a gentle kiss against her lips, he stood.

Evelyn frowned and rose to her knees. “I can get that,” she said quietly, intent on using her magic to help, but Cullen turned and held up a hand.

“Evelyn,” he said softly, “you spend all your time taking care of others. Allow me take care of you for once.”

Settling back on her heels, Evelyn watched as Cullen set the kindling and hit the flint to produce a spark. The flames jumped to life and a flickering light filled the small tent. 

Cullen turned to her with a small smile and extended his hand to help her up. 

“Come now, let’s get you warm.”

Feeling the nerves in her heart slowly unclench and the sorrow and guilt slightly abate, Evelyn took his hand and stepped into his arms.

The pain and tightness would never fully leave, she knew. She would always be haunted by the things she had done in the name of duty. But at least for now, surrounded by Cullen’s love, it was finally a little bit easier to breathe.


End file.
